I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
