Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
