but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
