You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
