Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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