So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
