i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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