I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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