Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
