At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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