My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I pour the whiskey from now on
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
