Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
