i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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