He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
