You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
