You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
