In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
