Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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