We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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