I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
