Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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