Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
