i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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