Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
