so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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