he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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