tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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