Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
