Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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