awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
