So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
