Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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