in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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