I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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