I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
