FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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