Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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