I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
