I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
