I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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