why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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