this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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