Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
