Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
