I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
