you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
