why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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