One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
nutella sex= disaster
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dicks are not precious.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
