2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
