I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
